Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
