i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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