grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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