mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
