This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
