I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
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