My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Randomize
