Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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