My sheets look like a crime scene.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Too much gin, very little bucket
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
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