Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
