i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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