Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
