I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
