i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
