It's Friday. Sex?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
