fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
