im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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