Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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