Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
