What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
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She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
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At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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