Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Randomize
