My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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