dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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