Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
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And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
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I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
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