Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
