Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
