yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
A bitchslap is in order.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
