He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
