i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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