Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
