I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
