apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
