make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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