Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
