Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
