is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
