That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
