I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Randomize
