I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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