i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off