we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
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I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
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do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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