Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
