I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
The dick lei will go down in squad history