Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy