I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
