You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Less talking, more tequila
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
As shirtless as possible
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
