Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I would fuck him just for his dog
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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