I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
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there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
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Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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