I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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