Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
