was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
