Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
