Whatcha textin bout Willis?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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