im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
