so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
