Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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