i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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