dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
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