At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
