I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
