the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
