She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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