I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
